UNRAVELING THE KNOT

ALLAN G. JOHNSON'S BLOG

Letting Go of Despair and Hope

I vividly remember the day when I heard George W. Bush announce on my car radio that the United States was invading Iraq. I was screaming into the windshield, calling him names, fool, idiot, no idea what he was doing, how many innocent people would suffer and die because of it. I was beside myself with rage.

And then I settled back into the grief of watching my country do what I have lived long enough to see it do before, the mounting toll death and destruction while politicians argue over whose fault it was and we bury the dead, hand flags to the widows, widowers, and orphans, all the while careful not to look at the thousands of veterans crippled and maimed and traumatized, or at what we’ve done to millions of people in far away lands that most citizens of this country cannot locate on a map.

By the time evening came, rage and grief had given way to despair that wisdom is possible in this country, that anything I might do would matter in a society so hell-bent on its own destruction.

A few days later, Nora showed me a statement by the feminist spiritual activist, Starhawk, who wrote that in such times we must resist the temptation “to indulge in despair.” I stared at the page, humbled by the pairing of the words, indulgence and despair, having done just that.

Some years before, I was writing fiction and visiting my mother in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico, when one day we decided to go to the swimming pool outside of town. sanmiguel We walked to the bus stop in the center of town. The time printed on the schedule came and went, but not the bus. We talked. The sun rose in the sky, a beautiful day.We stepped into the shade. She sensed my impatience, looked at me and smiled, a little shrug, “It’s all right,” she said, “there’s always another bus.”

Maybe. And maybe not. Either way, there is something in the act of waiting that reminds me of despair, waiting for a bus that may never come, instead of setting out on foot or going home to spend the day in some other way. There is something in despair that is a holding out, a refusing to let go, to accept that things are what they are, which the Buddhists tell us is where suffering begins.

Despair is in the waiting, a state of mind with life suspended until further notice, held hostage by the illusion that I know what is going to happen, handing myself over to something I both believe must come to pass and fear it never will and so it continues to occupy my mind.

The bus was nowhere to be seen, but my mother was right there beside me, my mother who would be dead and gone fifteen years later, and there was the street and the people passing by, smells of the town, of dirt and cooking oil and roasting meat and fruit and vegetables in the market, the sight of a donkey laden with firewood, slowly making its way up the hill, a small boy following close behind. Birds and their songs. The crisp dryness of high desert air.

But the bus was not here.

There is no bus.

After I give a presentation on some aspect of privilege and oppression, there is almost always someone who asks, “But what can I do?” There is something in the ‘but’ and the urgent tone of voice that gives me pause, sensing the real question is not the one being asked. I used to struggle over what to say. But I’m better with it now, in part because I realize that the question is less about action than fending off despair, escaping the pain of being aware of so much injustice and unnecessary suffering in the world. It can be a kind of code for wanting a way to walk away believing this will all work itself out whether we do anything or not.

As the philosopher, George Yancy, put it, the rush to find a solution can be a way to remove ourselves from the present where we are involved in the world that produces injustice and suffering and into the future where we are not. It is a way to escape having to sit with the reality of how things are and will likely remain for a long time, longer than we will live to see, and what that reality has to do with us.

The alternative is what Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun, calls ‘nailing yourself to the present.’ There is no quick fix for their sadness and pain, nor for mine. There is only nailing ourselves to the present which is, strangely, beyond the reach of any hope of fixing in the here and now, which is where we are.

I had thought hope is what keeps us from despair, but I’m beginning to think it’s not. They are so closely coupled that we cannot have one without the other. I hope the bus will come soon, not only gives myself over to waiting for something that exists only in my mind, but does so with a particular dedication, chin up, eyes scanning the street corner around which I hope it will come. Any minute now. All the while I am oblivious to the world going on around me, there being nothing else for me now but a bus that isn’t here.

To not indulge in despair, or in hope, is to not indulge in being anywhere but here, nailed to the present, to things as they really are, there is no bus. From that place, it is clear what my choices are and what I must do now, will do now, including standing here with my mother until a bus may come or we decide to do something else. Either way, not waiting in this moment, I leave hope behind, it being capable only of producing still more hope that is just this close to the edge of despair. To choose without hope for change, but in the very act of change, as Gandhi put it, becoming the change we want to see in the world. To stop waiting, to set myself in motion without the luxury of knowing what is coming next, including the illusion in my mind that is called, on the one hand, hope, and on the other, despair.

I write books. I give speeches and workshops and take part in conversations. How does hope figure into that? What is it that I hope to do? With what effect?

The truth is that I hope for nothing at all. Ask me what I think I’m doing and what effect I think it has, and I can tell you right away. I let people hear a heterosexual white cisgender man without disabilities stand up in public and play a part in breaking the silence around privilege and oppression. I write novels about the human condition. I think out loud about what trouble we are in and who we are in relation to it and what the experience is like for me. That is what I do. I have no way of knowing what difference it makes except by what I see in people’s faces and what they say or write to me. But that does not tell me what it really matters if I speak or write, or don’t.

It does not matter what I hope will happen. It only matters what I do.

To give up hope is not to give up on the possibility of change. It is to accept that things right now are the way they are. As I drove down the road, screaming at the president, I was, to say the least, having a moment of non-acceptance, which is why it turned so quickly to despair. I wanted him to be different from the man he had shown himself to be. I was furious that he had been chosen to be president. I wanted a government that was not so quick to resort to violence. And I responded to all of that as if personally betrayed.

I had hoped for something better.

To give up hope is not to accept things as they are, but to accept the fact that they are as they are. All my ranting against the status quo just wears me out before plunging me into despair. How much better it is to see reality as it is and then go on to consider what to do about it.

I am anything but indifferent to the way things are. I feel sadness and grief and compassion and fear, not to mention anger, recalling James Baldwin’s observation that the only way to avoid feeling angry is not to know what’s going on.

But it is one thing to be angry at injustice and unnecessary suffering and another to indulge in a kind of despairing resentment that things turned out this way to begin with. As if there was some kind of deal with God who should now apologize and set things right and I’ll be damned if I’m moving another inch until it’s done. Because all the while I’m waiting, I cannot be of any use.

It is like never letting go of all the ways our parents fell short or did harm, and we think children deserve better so we hold out and hold on as if it were possible to turn back the clock and redo childhood, find someone who will give that love we were denied. Or hold our parents accountable, make them pay, as if it was possible to tally up and make it come out right.

The alternative is to accept that things were as they were and cannot be changed into what they were not, that should and shouldn’t have no meaning once it’s done, because in fact it was and is. The only question that matters now is where to go from here, what to make of it, how to repair the damage that was done knowing it will never be as it might have been except in looking back through a kind of longing anchored by hope on one end and despair on the other.

Acceptance brings us fully into life by nailing ourselves to the present, the only time and place where anything is possible. We cannot afford to wait for our lives to rewrite themselves, or for the world to change on its own because it should have been otherwise and owes us something better than it’s turned out to be so far.

Instead of waiting, we keep going with what is to be done. When I spoke in Pennsylvania about men’s violence some years ago, an elderly man came up to thank me afterward. He used a pair of canes to walk and spoke with difficulty, as if he’d had a stroke. He was about to leave when he leaned in and looked into my face and said, his voice low and earnest, “You keep going.” And as he turned to walk away, I said after him, “You keep going, too.” He paused before turning to look at me, his face full of thought, gathering intention behind the words, a nod. “I think I will.”

I will never forget that moment, the stillness in the air as if no one else was in the hall, the look on his face as he made up his mind yet again as he must have so many times before. It was a look of clarity and calm, of acceptance not only without hope and despair, but without fear, a condition that a Quaker friend of mine once said was a way of defining faith.

Faith, she said, is not a belief in something, that if I do this then that will happen, or that something beyond my control will come to pass. Faith is a state of being unafraid  inside ourselves. Jesus said again and again, What are you afraid of? Be not afraid, as if it were that simple, which, I am beginning to think, it may be.

There is so much to fear if we allow it—from the destruction of the planet to being alone when we die. And there is also the fear that I can sense beneath hope and despair.

I once heard Mary Daley say that courage is not something we have, some quality of character. Instead, courage is what happens in the moment when we act even though we are afraid. And perhaps that is what my Quaker friend was telling me about faith, that it isn’t something we have, but something that happens inside of us. Which means, I imagine, that we can step into it when we need it most.

And it is not simply that faith is the absence of fear, but that fear, also, is an absence of faith. When we are afraid, we may become the fear, and when we are not, we are the faith, doing what needs to be done.

I will always be afraid of one thing or another, but I can also practice being aware of the difference between moments of fear and moments of faith. And that, I think, may be all that it takes, not to achieve some permanent state of fearlessness, but to keep before me my ongoing ability to choose to make a difference whether I am afraid or not.

My mother came to me once in the years after she died, visiting me in a dream. It was one of those recurring anxiety dreams where I am lost and confused, unable to get where I’m supposed to be, don’t have what I need for what I’m supposed to do. Except in this particular dream I suddenly sensed her presence nearby as I was standing in a courtyard beside a low building of adobe, as in Mexico, stairs leading to a patio and then the walkway going on from there around a corner. I looked for her, but she was nowhere to be found. And then I stopped, standing on the stairs, and her voice came from somewhere that was both far away and right beside me, speaking just a single word because nothing more was needed. Faith.

And where is faith to be found? For this I take counsel from the writer and civil rights activist, Audre Lorde. “When I dare to be powerful,” she wrote, “to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.”

The challenge that I see is to find a way to live in that space between accepting the fact that the world is as it is and refusing to accept that it should remain so, a space where there is room for neither hope nor despair, only faith, and where there is much to be done.

__________________

If you liked this post, you might also want to read, “Fight, Flight, and Roxie’s Way.”

Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. Shambhala, 2000.

George Yancy, Look, a White! Philosophical Essays on Whiteness. Temple University Press, 2013.

11 responses to “Letting Go of Despair and Hope

  1. Sandra McCarthy Friday, December 6, 2013 at 8:24 am

    This could not have come at a better time for me. Thank you.

  2. Louise Lovdahl Friday, December 6, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    Thank you, Allan. In reading your words I reflected on how often I rant and rave, mumble and grumble over conditions in the world, especially in regards to the many types of oppression created by some of our current politicians. The amount of energy needed to battle their actions seems overwhelming.

    Your words caused me to think about staying in the present to change the world by going deeper, rather than broader. I have been blessed to work with young men of color in leadership-building groups. Their stories and the activities in their lives open my eyes to my own white privileges. As our understanding and acceptance of each other grows, I am offered opportunities to deepen the relationship in ways that test who I believe I am. When a now grown young man from this group invited me to attend his wedding, I held my breath in considering the challenge of being the lone white woman in a crowd of people of color where he is the only person I will know. Of course I want to be there for him and yet the opportunity brings up a lot of old fears around being accepted, about not doing or saying something stupid (racist). Your words make me realize that the actions I take in the present will increase (or decrease) my level of growth and connection in more impactful ways than any kind of social justice activity. I need to become the change I wish to see in the world and that means welcoming challenges today that take me to deeper levels of connection and growth.

  3. Will Mingus Friday, December 6, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    It’s interesting how some things come along just when you need them most. This article is one of those things. Thank you for writing and posting this.

  4. Eido Frances Carney Monday, December 9, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    When we don’t dwell in either hope or despair we find action in the world that is steeped in faith and the world is informed and made better. We may not know we are affecting the people around us and yet we are all being touched. Dogen Zenji writes about the ancient who said, “Associating with a good person is like walking through mist and dew; though you will not become drenched, gradually your clothing will become damp.” This means that if you become familiar with a good person, you will become good yourself without being aware of it.

    This is what it is to read your blog, Allan, the mist falls on me and I’m made whole and encouraged in my own actions by your fine mind and the activity of your life. Thank you.
    Eido Frances Carney

  5. Annie B. Tuesday, December 10, 2013 at 10:45 pm

    Allan — This post is such a comfort. The way you knit together long ago experience and soul-ful quotes with important questions and how the final paragraph offers a challenge that feels like reassurance…….annie

  6. Greg Wednesday, December 11, 2013 at 7:54 pm

    Very interesting article. I’ll return to read it again. I think you are right in the coupling of hope and despair and faith and fear.

    As a Catholic, there is a well formed dogma about Faith, Hope and Love in my religion which I know a little about and which makes me feel that hope is indispensable.

    To be rather simplistic, faith is in the vision worthy of intellectual assent – something so strong that I can steadfastly believe in and will withstand my constant testing, hope is the desire that what I have faith in will come to pass, and love is the way I actively participate that vision – love God and love neighbour. In such a system, faith, hope and love cannot be separated from each other or the whole thing falls apart.

    To me, the “doing” part that Mary Daley referred to in courage being “acting even though we are afraid” is the Catholic understanding of love. Love as action, not as emotion. It also grounds us completely in the present through awareness and action. It doesn’t send us off into the clouds of escapism.

    I think that if I did not hope, I would not be able to love and I would be disconnected from what I have faith in as being some remote, abstract intellectual ideal. Hope is the glue between faith and charitable action. It wards off the despair that I can do nothing. Mother Teresa said, “if you cannot feed one hundred people, feed just one.” That is simple unbreakable hope.

    I think Buddhist beliefs try to remove suffering from life. I don’t claim to be knowledgeable about this. I don’t know how they intellectually achieve it. I think that we aren’t given the luxury of the animal world, where a bird can glory in being a bird up to the moment when the predator strikes. We have knowledge of our lot in life. But as a Christian, if what was written about with such concrete belief is true, then we are told that the strike of the predator is not the end of the story, so now hope in this can allow us to glory in what we are with no fear of that unexpected moment.

  7. Anne Batterson Monday, December 16, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Thank you for articulating the grave and exciting challenge we face in the 21st century with such clarity, for creating a space for action, for commitment.

  8. Bill Eichhorn Monday, December 16, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    Thank you, Allan, for wise words to ponder during this Advent Season when we too often light candles in our congregations and homes while saying prayers that take us out of the painful present. Pema Chodron’s “nailing yourself to the present” is such a powerful invitation of how we need to be in this world, now. Keep going, my friend, keep writing. Bill Eichhorn

  9. Steve Brady Friday, January 3, 2014 at 11:54 am

    Thanks for your post, Allan. I needed it today.

  10. Kathy Feltey Saturday, November 8, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    I am sharing this with my colleagues as we despair the death of higher education as we know and love it. Thank you for helping.

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